What I’m experiencing now, and what I don’t remember experiencing with my first kid, is a difficulty in holding onto thoughts or ideas, particularly if they have to do with myself/ my life outside of house and kids. It feels like the outer edge of my brain—the crust, if you will, and perhaps even parts of the mantle—is there, and is working and functioning as well as I’d expect it to. But it’s the core that has issues. It’s missing. Or, rather, it’s there, inside, but slippery. A slippery fish, this core of my brain. If I were interested in a gratitude practice, I could be grateful that I still have some cognitive function. We get up, we leave the house, I write here. But, gratitude practices make me angry. 

One thing about myself that I find embarrassing is that I have been writing the same book for the last 13 years. You are a procrastinator, you might say. You need to make a schedule and get it done. But, no! You are wrong! I have gotten it done! I have finished this book, I have edited it, someone else has edited it, I have written it, I have re-written it upwards of 40 times. 40 times for 40 years on this planet. There’s something about that. 

Last night, after my baby had been asleep for a good 2 hours, after I put him down on his floor bed, after he stirred, restless creature that he is, and after I fed him back to sleep, I opened my computer and went back to the place in my book that I’d been editing the night before. Usually, even though I’ve been going 13 years strong(strong?) with these characters with no end in sight, I somehow feel excited about editing a new draft. But, not lately. Why? Does it have to do with the issues I’ve been experiencing with my cognition? Have I finally given up on this project, but haven’t admitted that yet? What is going on? I really don’t know. So, like any one else in my situation (has anyone else fervently rewritten the same book over and over again for 13 years?) I consult a deck of Tarot cards. 

Have I lost you? I’m feeling shame and anxiety about this. Yes, Annie, you were on the right track. You could have been on your way to finding a small place in this world with this blog. A small place not surrounded by stainless steel appliances (spoiler alert: they’re stained) and wooden cupboard doors sticky with almond butter and children’s tears. But you had to bring up the tarot, didn’t you? 

Ok, if you’re still here, I did a three card spread. The first card pulled is “the context,” the second: “Where to focus.” Then, finally, the third card: “The outcome.”

Here’s what I got:

The Knight of Pentacles in the context slot. 

The Hanged man in the where to focus slot. 

and, The Devil in the outcome spot. Of course. Why not the Devil?

I took this to mean this: (Note, I am not an expert in Tarot. The one and only thing I consider myself an expert on is getting a cat back to using a litter box. Is this a problem you have? Then check out this website.)

I’m focusing on my work (whatever that is.) Particularly in this feeling of stuckness. A new approach is warranted, but my worst self is bound to get in the way.

So, here I am, trying something different.