Hello, from summer, who is back. Summer is back, but it doesn’t feel the same as it did last week. Or, maybe it does feel how it actually felt, but it doesn’t feel how I remember it feeling, free from guilt and dread and second guessing and decisions that feel impossible. 

Instead of thinking about that though, I think about the orcas, and their declining health. I think about J27 losing body mass, and what can you do? In this world, there is always loss. My daughter turns a flashlight on and points it right at her eye. 

“Look it mom,” she says. 

“Oh, don’t do that,” I say, and then pause. Is that ok to say? I should have said it differently, in a way that couldn’t possibly foster any feelings of shame inside of her, in a way that still affirms that she knows her body best, in a tricky way that still gets her to do what I want but makes her feel like she’s still in charge—like she wants to do what I want her to do. This is how we are supposed to parent, but is this not gas lighting at a whole new level of sophistication?